letters i'll never send

years and years ago, i used to take part in a blog link up called "Dear Boys."
 basically, you wrote anonymous letters to various boys who you had interacted with, posted them on your blog and usually you didn't give away any hint regarding who was behind the 'letter.'
it was basically a lot of fluffy fun, very teenage-girly and ended up being mostly utter nonsense.  'recipients' of my letters could range from close friends, to the boy behind the counter at the grocery store.  the charm was just that you never knew who these boys might be. 

while thinking back on Dear Boys (and wondering if it is still up and running somewhere), i realized that, in many ways, i've collected 'letters' in my heart towards certain people i have interacted with. friends, family members, associates, there are many who have notes penned to them in my heart and mind.

so, i decided, what better way to plunge back into writing by honoring an old link up and clearing our the old letter box of my heart?
it should be noted, and likely as you read the 'why' will become obvious, i do not plan on revealing who these letters address, even if asked, even is asked by the person who they belong to. 

there is a reason i never plan to send them. 

dear once-hated,
i used to hate you.  wow, some way to start a letter out, huh? thats a dang ice breaker right there.  but, honestly, its the bare and ruthless truth.  i hated you so much. so so much. there was no logical reason for it, but anytime your name would come up, anytime we'd talk, anytime i'd see you, something ugly and green swirled deep in my chest and i wanted to be as far away from you as i possibly could be. 
this hate was something that shocked me; i had never considered myself to be a ruthless or ugly person. but oh, dear, it also delighted me. it was something so tasty and lovely. i liked hating you...and i think that shamed me the most.
i felt like you deserved it; you had, after all, stolen something precious from me.  i staked my claim on something that i had no right to call my own, and then you came along, all perfect and charming and smart and witty and i paled beside you. how could i ever compare? hate was the easiest thing for me to do in such a situation. you were the thief, and i was the victim.
slowly, however, i saw the hatred for what it was. it was ugly, and definitely not something to be prized. it wasn't an immediate change, i had spent years building a portfolio of reasons to despise you. but i began tearing up my causes, and reaching out to you.
funny, the reasons that i had hated you slowly seemed less loathsome. you are charming, you are funny, and smart and witty.  the thing that you 'stole' from me? bah, who needed it anyway, not i.
if i had been meant to have it forever, i would not have lost it. admitting that was the final step, i think.
yes. you took something, and have something, that was once mine.
but you see, the thing is, i want you to have it. i realize now that you stole nothing, it walked away from me. it chose you.
thats ok.
thats not your fault.
and i am sorry for blaming you for that.  someday, i think, i want to personally apologize. but you are lovely, and splendid, and i am afraid of being turned into the hated one. i lost one thing, i'd like to not lose you as well.
-- sincerely, apologetic. 

dear Gone,
i would send this one if i knew you would get it. but there is no way left on earth for you to read this, and that pains me every day.
i told you i loved you, and i know you knew.  but still...the regrets of those left behind remain. did i tell you enough? did i tell you with all the conviction i felt?
i say it now, with my throat choking and all the pain resurfacing,
i miss you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much and everyday i miss you more.
i love you.
-- love, always yours. 

dear betrayer,
do you know how much it hurts me to write that title and think of you?  gosh...you were once the one who brought my smiles...now, the only smile you bring is lemony and sour.
i would be false to myself if i said i did not see your betrayal before it even came. i felt it creeping up onto me, and like the little bird i was, i ignored it.
i chose to focus on what i felt was still good and happy between us...maybe our rift is partially my blame, for i did nothing to stop it until you were quite out of my grasp. i let us drift away all while i covered my eyes and ears and pretended the tide would bring us back together.
i'm wiser now, and know that will never happen.  no tide pulled us apart, no watery current pulled you away from me.
you chose to leave. you chose to leave me alone. you, who knew my deepest secrets, you were the peanut butter to my jam left when you knew i had no one else; the hole between us is and was your choice and doing.
im sorry i wasn't shiny enough to stay at your side, but i am done and tired of competing in the hunger games that is your affections. i have better things to do with my time.
-- goodbye. 

1 comment:

  1. This is an intriguing idea and a thought provoking post. THANK YOU for allowing us this glimpse into your heart and mind.

    You're beautiful, Ashes.


Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much.
- Blaise Pascal