I really don't know where to start.
I had the BEST friend. I thought. We were like two peas in a pod. I thought. Inseparable. I thought. You could never say one of our names, without saying the others. I thought. We were silly with each other, we could quote movies fore and aft. Things happened. The very people we thought were our friends were the ones telling falsehoods about us, and harming our hearts. I never thought they could, or would do such a thing. It hurt like fire. I burned with anger.
How could they, who knew we had no one else,
do such a thing?
I cried, I screamed inside. I wanted to give them a piece of my raging mind.
I cried. and cried. Then, hardened. Which isn't not letting go or forgiving. It is just bottling up the emotion, just binding it, and pushing it in a dark corner of your mind. It can re fester whenever you please to unwrap the twine.
It has been about a year since we separated. And I thought I had it under control. I thought I was no longer hurting. I've got a new BF who is better than anything I could've wished for. Really, she is GREAT. But, today, the old hurt reearthed. I feel like they (meaning our exfriends) our trying to steal away those who liked us before. Filling them with falsehoods about us, and about others. And it hurts to watch people being deceived. Where is this pain and trouble getting me? Nowhere.
I need to let go. To close my eyes. To clear my heart of that pain, of that anger, of that sadness. Because it is getting me nowhere.
I have enough drama in my life. I have enough worries. You know, the only way people are going to learn that gossipers are gossipers and that they REALLY hurt, is to feel it themselves. If you had told me that the people I trusted would hurt me someday, I would have laughed. I CAN'T warn them. All I can do is help them regain their feet afterward.
I can't help others, if I'm still bitter. I can't help them heal if my thoughts are in a, 'I told ya so' way. I need to Let God help them now. There is NOTHING I CAN DO. Nothing. I need to drop it, and move on. I need to let go.
And, I need to forgive. Forgiving means to forget, and while the pain while probably always be there, I need to throw my bundle of anger in the fire. My anger is not hurting them, but me. I'm the one that feels the burn. If they were to come up to us right now and say, "I'm so sorry, please, can you forgive us?" I want to say, "I already have". One day, we'll both be in heaven, I still think they are Christians, despite it all. And when we're in heaven, I don't want to think back on how silly I was to hold a grudge. I want to think back, smile, and give them a huge bear hug.
So, M.E.L, If you are reading this, as I know you do, I know you wont comment, I know you think I'm a backslider because I don't wear just skirts and dresses, I don't wear a head covering. I wear jeans and makeup. I know you probably scorn me. I don't care anymore. I'm not letting that bother my life anymore. I don't hate you. And, honestly, if I were near you, I'd hug you. See, it even looks like me and you up there ^. Only, I'd be the taller one. For some reason, I always have shorter friends. M, I love you.
