A higher sort of way

Ya know, why is it that we think our lives end when we get diagnosed with a chronic disease or illness? 

Before I was told I had Bursitis, I wasn't crippled by the fact that I had Bursitis, even though I had it already.   I didn't 'officially' have it, and so I didn't have to worry about the things I couldn't do.  

When we went into the Doctor's office, I thought maybe I had some sort of knee disjointment (If there is such a thing) and thought it would be something easily fixed. 

What teenager honestly thinks they'll get diagnosed with a 'chronic' issue? 

I didn't know what Bursitis was, I just blinked stupidly as our family Doctor told us, and when we asked, "What can we do about it?"  and his answer, that aside from Diet change, which won't fix it permanently, but will keep it away while our diet is good, nothing.
Thats when I started going, "woah, woah, wait...you mean, I'm stuck this way forever?"   But I thought, "Diet change, cool. I can do that. It's not a biggie".  And I walked out of the Doctor's office confused, but not completely worried. 

Fate threw an odd joke our way, and on the way home our Truck broke down, and we had to call My Nana to come pick us up while our vehicle got towed.  We told her what I had, and she panicked, "She has Bursitis? Thats an old person's problem! Why does she have bursitis? Can you fix it? My Mother had that, and it was so bad that...etc etc"
And thats when it 'hit' me. I was in a mess, I was sick. I would never be healed. Not even diet change could completely fix it. Hopeless. Utter hopeless. I would never be able to walk long distances, or hike, or run or go up flights of stairs without hurting. Ever. Again.

 Those first three months were terrible.  It seemed like I just broke down, I gave up.  I coddled myself, and just cried when it hurt to bad. And I think I made it worse.  I become best friends with the Aspirin.  I took enough that it's amazing my liver isn't damaged. 

I made it worse on myself.

But you know what? A part of me enjoyed it too, it relished in the pain because, frankly, I'm a pessimist. It gave me a reason to bemoan myself.

And I curse myself for that.

Part of me wonders, is these other arising health issues created because I was so focused on how broken I was, that I gave myself a greater bite then I had planned to chew?

I didn't relize just how bad I was damaging myself until recently.  I was looking over my life, and reading over my journals, and I realized, I'm different. And not in a good way.

I have become a sidewalk watcher, because I can't be active in the fast paced life.  I know how to fake a perfect limp because I've actually carried one that many times.  I used to never get headaches, and when I did, I was able to get bull headed with them, and ignore it.  But now, whenever I get the slightest bit of neck ache, eye ache, head ache, spine ache, to the medication I go.

Guys, up until I got Bursitis, I had a pride in having never taken medicine for headaches. 

And then I got 'incurably sick' and I caved, easily taking one dose a day, and would've taken more, if it hadn't been in threat of an overdose.

It's without pride I realize I've become just what I tried to become, and yet, didn't know I was doing it.

I'm easily out of shape (Not fat, just...not muscled). 

I take to much medicine for a Teen.

I feel like an invalid when I start aching, and I just shut down mentally.  When My spine starts to hurt, the Zombie apocalpyse could have started, I'm staying in my bed.

I have a disease that I thought was incurable, I thought it had poisened my life, that it had ruined me forever.

But I was wrong.

 The incurable disease isn't inside my knees, or my spine, you know where it's at? My head and my heart. Yep. If I had kept my positive, upbeat attitude, perhaps I wouldn't have the ailments I have now.  Perhaps I would still be a vigourous soccer player. Perhaps I would still be the girl who could kick 40 foot field goals.

(Yes, I could. Now I can't)

I'm sick. Terribly terribly sick. But thankfully, it doesn't need a prescription to be fixed, it just needs the right heart,

And, I think I can do that now.

I just had to hurt to realize it.

I'm going to heal myself.  I don't know if my knees will ever be normal, and my spine might just be a little misalignment we need to have fixed, but I'm still going to heal this poisoned heart.

You know, many times when my knees hurt so bad that I laid in a ball crying to God, "Why did you do this to me? Why do I have to hurt?"  And now, I know why.  I have a hard skull, and it seemed he had to show me where the real pain, poisen and disease was, and the only way was for him to hurt me physically.

Gosh, I can't take a heavenly hint, can I?

But I know now, and I cry to him again, "Thank you, Thank you for hurting me, because I know now".

I just wish I had realized sooner, it would have spared me a lot of boring nights because I 'can't' go run on Thursday nights with the rest of my loved ones. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, also are my ways higher than your way and my thoughts than your thoughts.     -Isaiah 55:8-8 

 And so, I conclude this post. It is officially the first post I have shed real tears over. Yes, I have cried while typing this up. 

 Being broken and realizing how wrong you were tends to do that to you. 

 I realize I need to be doing NaNoWriMo, but this is a break day for me, since I had some research pop up that I needed to do for my novel.    All the text on the pictures is from the song 'Beauty From Pain' by Superchick, and while I edited the text on, the photos aren't mine.  If you took one of these and have proof, I'll be glad to give the proper homage, blah blah blah. 

 My siblings want me to go watch The Lorax with them, so off I go, but, I meant what I said.  I'm not about to start any 5K or the Iron Man run (I'm almost certian THAT isn't in my future), but I plan to heal my heart, and see if my Body can do the rest.  I think, once I stop pumping poison into it, I'll discover that it will be able to heal itself much better. 

Learn to LET GO.

I really don't know where to start. 
I had the BEST friend.  I thought.  We were like two peas in a pod.  I thought.  Inseparable.  I thought.  You could never say one of our names, without saying the others.  I thought.  We were silly with each other, we could quote movies fore and aft.    Things happened.  The very people we thought were our friends were the ones telling falsehoods about us, and harming our hearts.  I never thought they could, or would do such a thing.  It hurt like fire.  I burned with anger.  How could they, who knew we had no one else, do such a thing?
I cried, I screamed inside.  I wanted to give them a piece of my raging mind.

I cried. and cried.  Then, hardened.  Which isn't not letting go or forgiving.  It is just bottling up the emotion, just binding it, and pushing it in a dark corner of your mind.  It can re fester whenever you please to unwrap the twine.

It has been about a year since we separated.  And I thought I had it under control.  I thought I was no longer hurting.  I've got a new BF who is better than anything I could've wished for.  Really, she is GREAT.  But, today, the old hurt reearthed.  I feel like they (meaning our exfriends) our trying to steal away those who liked us before.  Filling them with falsehoods about us, and about others.  And it hurts to watch people being deceived.  Where is this pain and trouble getting me?  Nowhere.

I need to let go.  To close my eyes. To clear my heart of that pain, of that anger, of that sadness.  Because it is getting me nowhere. 

I have enough drama in my life.  I have enough worries.  You know, the only way people are going to learn that gossipers are gossipers and that they REALLY hurt, is to feel it themselves.  If you had told me that the people I trusted would hurt me someday, I would have laughed.  I CAN'T warn them.  All I can do is help them regain their feet afterward.

I can't help others, if I'm still bitter.  I can't help them heal if my thoughts are in a, 'I told ya so' way.  I need to Let God help them now.  There is NOTHING I CAN DO.  Nothing.  I need to drop it, and move on.  I need to let go.

And, I need to forgive.  Forgiving means to forget, and while the pain while probably always be there, I need to throw my bundle of anger in the fire.  My anger is not hurting them, but me.  I'm the one that feels the burn.  If they were to come up to us right now and say, "I'm so sorry, please, can you forgive us?"  I want to say, "I already have".  One day, we'll both be in heaven, I still think they are Christians, despite it all.  And when we're in heaven, I don't want to think back on how silly I was to hold a grudge.  I want to think back, smile, and give them a huge bear hug.

So, M.E.L, If you are reading this, as I know you do, I know you wont comment, I know you think I'm a backslider because I don't wear just skirts and dresses, I don't wear a head covering.  I wear jeans and makeup.  I know you probably scorn me.  I don't care anymore.  I'm not letting that bother my life anymore.  I don't hate you.  And, honestly, if I were near you, I'd hug you.  See, it even looks like me and you up there ^. Only, I'd be the taller one.  For some reason, I always have shorter friends.  M, I love you.