A higher sort of way

Ya know, why is it that we think our lives end when we get diagnosed with a chronic disease or illness? 

Before I was told I had Bursitis, I wasn't crippled by the fact that I had Bursitis, even though I had it already.   I didn't 'officially' have it, and so I didn't have to worry about the things I couldn't do.  

When we went into the Doctor's office, I thought maybe I had some sort of knee disjointment (If there is such a thing) and thought it would be something easily fixed. 

What teenager honestly thinks they'll get diagnosed with a 'chronic' issue? 

I didn't know what Bursitis was, I just blinked stupidly as our family Doctor told us, and when we asked, "What can we do about it?"  and his answer, that aside from Diet change, which won't fix it permanently, but will keep it away while our diet is good, nothing.
Thats when I started going, "woah, woah, wait...you mean, I'm stuck this way forever?"   But I thought, "Diet change, cool. I can do that. It's not a biggie".  And I walked out of the Doctor's office confused, but not completely worried. 

Fate threw an odd joke our way, and on the way home our Truck broke down, and we had to call My Nana to come pick us up while our vehicle got towed.  We told her what I had, and she panicked, "She has Bursitis? Thats an old person's problem! Why does she have bursitis? Can you fix it? My Mother had that, and it was so bad that...etc etc"
And thats when it 'hit' me. I was in a mess, I was sick. I would never be healed. Not even diet change could completely fix it. Hopeless. Utter hopeless. I would never be able to walk long distances, or hike, or run or go up flights of stairs without hurting. Ever. Again.

 Those first three months were terrible.  It seemed like I just broke down, I gave up.  I coddled myself, and just cried when it hurt to bad. And I think I made it worse.  I become best friends with the Aspirin.  I took enough that it's amazing my liver isn't damaged. 

I made it worse on myself.

But you know what? A part of me enjoyed it too, it relished in the pain because, frankly, I'm a pessimist. It gave me a reason to bemoan myself.

And I curse myself for that.

Part of me wonders, is these other arising health issues created because I was so focused on how broken I was, that I gave myself a greater bite then I had planned to chew?

I didn't relize just how bad I was damaging myself until recently.  I was looking over my life, and reading over my journals, and I realized, I'm different. And not in a good way.

I have become a sidewalk watcher, because I can't be active in the fast paced life.  I know how to fake a perfect limp because I've actually carried one that many times.  I used to never get headaches, and when I did, I was able to get bull headed with them, and ignore it.  But now, whenever I get the slightest bit of neck ache, eye ache, head ache, spine ache, to the medication I go.

Guys, up until I got Bursitis, I had a pride in having never taken medicine for headaches. 

And then I got 'incurably sick' and I caved, easily taking one dose a day, and would've taken more, if it hadn't been in threat of an overdose.

It's without pride I realize I've become just what I tried to become, and yet, didn't know I was doing it.

I'm easily out of shape (Not fat, just...not muscled). 

I take to much medicine for a Teen.

I feel like an invalid when I start aching, and I just shut down mentally.  When My spine starts to hurt, the Zombie apocalpyse could have started, I'm staying in my bed.

I have a disease that I thought was incurable, I thought it had poisened my life, that it had ruined me forever.

But I was wrong.

 The incurable disease isn't inside my knees, or my spine, you know where it's at? My head and my heart. Yep. If I had kept my positive, upbeat attitude, perhaps I wouldn't have the ailments I have now.  Perhaps I would still be a vigourous soccer player. Perhaps I would still be the girl who could kick 40 foot field goals.

(Yes, I could. Now I can't)

I'm sick. Terribly terribly sick. But thankfully, it doesn't need a prescription to be fixed, it just needs the right heart,

And, I think I can do that now.

I just had to hurt to realize it.

I'm going to heal myself.  I don't know if my knees will ever be normal, and my spine might just be a little misalignment we need to have fixed, but I'm still going to heal this poisoned heart.

You know, many times when my knees hurt so bad that I laid in a ball crying to God, "Why did you do this to me? Why do I have to hurt?"  And now, I know why.  I have a hard skull, and it seemed he had to show me where the real pain, poisen and disease was, and the only way was for him to hurt me physically.

Gosh, I can't take a heavenly hint, can I?

But I know now, and I cry to him again, "Thank you, Thank you for hurting me, because I know now".

I just wish I had realized sooner, it would have spared me a lot of boring nights because I 'can't' go run on Thursday nights with the rest of my loved ones. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, also are my ways higher than your way and my thoughts than your thoughts.     -Isaiah 55:8-8 

 And so, I conclude this post. It is officially the first post I have shed real tears over. Yes, I have cried while typing this up. 

 Being broken and realizing how wrong you were tends to do that to you. 

 I realize I need to be doing NaNoWriMo, but this is a break day for me, since I had some research pop up that I needed to do for my novel.    All the text on the pictures is from the song 'Beauty From Pain' by Superchick, and while I edited the text on, the photos aren't mine.  If you took one of these and have proof, I'll be glad to give the proper homage, blah blah blah. 

 My siblings want me to go watch The Lorax with them, so off I go, but, I meant what I said.  I'm not about to start any 5K or the Iron Man run (I'm almost certian THAT isn't in my future), but I plan to heal my heart, and see if my Body can do the rest.  I think, once I stop pumping poison into it, I'll discover that it will be able to heal itself much better. 

||Spilled||

I don't talk about it much on here, and I really don't have a true reason, other then, I honestly don't think about it much anymore.

But, a dear friend (Oh how much more she has gone through) sparked the inspiration to talk about my thorn.

I have Knee Bursitis.

Bursitis is a condition when the padding in your joints (Called Bursea) becomes inflamed. It's pretty painful at times. Thankfully, it isn't an all the time ache (Thank the Lord) but when it does, it can get pretty crippling.   I'm not going to go into much detail over it, except, that when you can't run, or be terribly active because otherwise, your knees feel like they are about to crumble, and make you fall, you feel....awkward.  It's no fun having to sit out at your brother's 5K races, and tell everyone "I don't like running" when, there is nothing you;d like more then being able to try at least once.  When all your friends try goading you into running on Thursday nights with them, and you can't, because you know all to well how your knees will put up with that, it hurts. 
I try not talking about it to much, because, the less I talk about it, the less I notice it. I might get my times when I seem to do nothing except complain about the pain (Thank the Lord for a Mum who listens to my sniveling) , but I'd rather not have to pain to complain about.

I also get phantom pains in my neck and back (We have no idea why. It just hurts bad enough to make me wish I was bedridden).  And I can't remember when I ever got a normal headache instead of a migraine.

My point is, I hurt a lot. I hurt and don't notice it. And, sometimes, the pain is comforting, sometimes I use it as a crutch.  'I can't exercise, If I put to much pressure on my knees, I might push them to hard, and end up sitting in a ball, clutching them and crying' I've thought. It's true, I have to be careful on how I deal with my knees, I need to be careful to only wear high heels when I HAVE to (Or, when I am prepared to be in serious pain during and afterward. Does anybody realize how BAD heeled shoes are for your knees?!?!) and I have to be careful not to over do it, but there is nothing keeping me from taking a brisk walk. A 5K, not so much, but a walk isn't going to kill me.

I've wondered about surgery for my knees, but my family changed our diet, and it helps. It hasn't cured, there is no cure, but it helps. I don't spend as many nights crying and wishing my legs could just be cut off.  And, I've learned how to deal with and block out most pain.  There have been some times, I've taken so many pain meds, I've scared my EMT Daddy, but I'm able to block most pain out.

Through it all, I've learned a couple things I never would have learned. One) I can deal with a lot more then I thought I could. I'm a wimp when it comes to pain. Always have been, probably always will. But, when I hurt the most, I always end up thinking, "It's not so bad. It could be worse" It's taught me to be a little bit tougher then I was before.  Two) It's taught me to sympathize. When you are in pain, nothing is more comforting then someone who has 'been there before'. Sure, comfort from anybody is welcome, but it always means more when someone knows how you feel, I can do that now. Even if I don't have it as bad as others.  And Three) It's taught me, strangely, that someone always has it worse then you. I don't know how, or why I've learned this, but it has. I've learned that I might hurt, but I never have it the worst. Even when I'm crying and complaining to you, I know this. It IS in fact possible to complain without meaning the complaints. XD

And, of course, it's taught me simple stuff, like, which Pain reliever my body excepts best, the best way to lay flat on your back, how much neck elevation will give me a killer neck ache come morning, which shoes are best on your knees, and other stuff like that.

Again, I don't have it as bad as others, I won't claim to have any great and terrible illness. I know how to sorta control mine, and it can be kept under wraps as long as I eat well, and don't put any strain on my knees (I don't know how to control my migraines and neck/back aches...but they don't hurt all the time anyway). But, each person has their own battle. Just because ours isn't as big as someone else's doesn't mean it still isn't our own battle and thorn.  We each have the weakness of body, and we each have the ability to kick that weakness' butt.

I might have Bursitis, but I won't let Bursitis have me.

Inspired by Sky Destrian and her new blog, 'Spill the Beans'. It's a network where Teens with chronic pain can connect and uplift each other. 

The Facebook // And Blog

Bad news.

It's rising again. Daddy has come home for the night, to not only give the family we were staying with a break, but also let us have a bit of time with him.  But, Mama called and it has moved up a little more then one whole point.  Now it is at 15.9.  Not good.  They have put her back under the blue lights, and are debating giving her IVIG again.  This is really wearing us out. It is like a roller coaster, and it is making me sick.  :-(  I just want Shiloh home, I want to kiss her tiny, bald head, and I'm missing SO SO many photo shoot times!  My heart is just breaking for her little health.  It is wearing me out. 

 Little Miss under the blue UV lights.

See her poor IV line? They took it out tonight, and might just have to put another one back in.  See her little mask pulled up over her head? It is to protect her eyes from the UV lights.


Poor girl.  Just pray for us.  Pray for her.  Pray for the nurses and doctors to have wisdom to know what to do.


I appreciate it all!

Ashley

:-(

I just called my Dad, and he said that they wont be home tonight.  The docs want to see her billy count come down without the blue lights they are putting her under, and so dar it isn't doing that.

Keep us and them in your prayers guys/gals!  Thank you ever so much!! ♥♥  I own you all a very big giveaway with 78 prizes, so everybody wins!
  And maybe a thank-you card.  :)

16

Shiloh's billy count is at a 16 now...we're hopeing to get into single digits so they can come home today!  Maybe if it gets to a 10-14 they'll let them.  Also, can you keep Mama in your prayers, as this is starting to toll on her.  She hasn't seen us since Tuesday, and the whole tension of it all is upsetting her.  Thank you guys, I know I have an awesome followers on her!

Extra thanks to Jedi~chick, your comment helped me dicide to keep y'all posted.  Thanks Jedi~chick!

Please Pray for Shiloh!!

She is in the hospital with a extremely high billirubin count.  It is at 25 right now, and is rising.  the normal billy count is only about 6-8.  Just please keep that little angel in your prayers.  She might need a blood transfusion, and is taking IVIG.   Please and thank you, all my 78 followers!

♥

Evan is in Shands...

Having a DR. appointment Right now.....praying that every thing will be alright!!

Keep up the prayer...

Evan's blood count has dropped down again.....Him, Mama and Daddy are going to shands Thursday (?)....This time to find out WHAT is causing the problem, and hopefully fix it, but WE need prayer as well as for the medical team.
I Thank Y'all!

Update on Evan:

Thank you (A really BIG THANK YOU!!!) To all who kept Evan in your prayers!!!


Evan is doing much better, His blood count went back up half way to the right level, and the Hospital released him, but a few days later, it was low again, so back to the ER he went.
He stayed in there for about 2-3 days, and was released again, and is still doing fine!
Today he has a DR appointment to make sure things are still doing good, but to our knowledge he is!

We are all grateful for your prayers!!
THANNNNKK YOUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!