A higher sort of way

Ya know, why is it that we think our lives end when we get diagnosed with a chronic disease or illness? 

Before I was told I had Bursitis, I wasn't crippled by the fact that I had Bursitis, even though I had it already.   I didn't 'officially' have it, and so I didn't have to worry about the things I couldn't do.  

When we went into the Doctor's office, I thought maybe I had some sort of knee disjointment (If there is such a thing) and thought it would be something easily fixed. 

What teenager honestly thinks they'll get diagnosed with a 'chronic' issue? 

I didn't know what Bursitis was, I just blinked stupidly as our family Doctor told us, and when we asked, "What can we do about it?"  and his answer, that aside from Diet change, which won't fix it permanently, but will keep it away while our diet is good, nothing.
Thats when I started going, "woah, woah, wait...you mean, I'm stuck this way forever?"   But I thought, "Diet change, cool. I can do that. It's not a biggie".  And I walked out of the Doctor's office confused, but not completely worried. 

Fate threw an odd joke our way, and on the way home our Truck broke down, and we had to call My Nana to come pick us up while our vehicle got towed.  We told her what I had, and she panicked, "She has Bursitis? Thats an old person's problem! Why does she have bursitis? Can you fix it? My Mother had that, and it was so bad that...etc etc"
And thats when it 'hit' me. I was in a mess, I was sick. I would never be healed. Not even diet change could completely fix it. Hopeless. Utter hopeless. I would never be able to walk long distances, or hike, or run or go up flights of stairs without hurting. Ever. Again.

 Those first three months were terrible.  It seemed like I just broke down, I gave up.  I coddled myself, and just cried when it hurt to bad. And I think I made it worse.  I become best friends with the Aspirin.  I took enough that it's amazing my liver isn't damaged. 

I made it worse on myself.

But you know what? A part of me enjoyed it too, it relished in the pain because, frankly, I'm a pessimist. It gave me a reason to bemoan myself.

And I curse myself for that.

Part of me wonders, is these other arising health issues created because I was so focused on how broken I was, that I gave myself a greater bite then I had planned to chew?

I didn't relize just how bad I was damaging myself until recently.  I was looking over my life, and reading over my journals, and I realized, I'm different. And not in a good way.

I have become a sidewalk watcher, because I can't be active in the fast paced life.  I know how to fake a perfect limp because I've actually carried one that many times.  I used to never get headaches, and when I did, I was able to get bull headed with them, and ignore it.  But now, whenever I get the slightest bit of neck ache, eye ache, head ache, spine ache, to the medication I go.

Guys, up until I got Bursitis, I had a pride in having never taken medicine for headaches. 

And then I got 'incurably sick' and I caved, easily taking one dose a day, and would've taken more, if it hadn't been in threat of an overdose.

It's without pride I realize I've become just what I tried to become, and yet, didn't know I was doing it.

I'm easily out of shape (Not fat, just...not muscled). 

I take to much medicine for a Teen.

I feel like an invalid when I start aching, and I just shut down mentally.  When My spine starts to hurt, the Zombie apocalpyse could have started, I'm staying in my bed.

I have a disease that I thought was incurable, I thought it had poisened my life, that it had ruined me forever.

But I was wrong.

 The incurable disease isn't inside my knees, or my spine, you know where it's at? My head and my heart. Yep. If I had kept my positive, upbeat attitude, perhaps I wouldn't have the ailments I have now.  Perhaps I would still be a vigourous soccer player. Perhaps I would still be the girl who could kick 40 foot field goals.
(Yes, I could. Now I can't)
I'm sick. Terribly terribly sick. But thankfully, it doesn't need a prescription to be fixed, it just needs the right heart,

And, I think I can do that now.
I just had to hurt to realize it.

I'm going to heal myself.  I don't know if my knees will ever be normal, and my spine might just be a little misalignment we need to have fixed, but I'm still going to heal this poisoned heart.

You know, many times when my knees hurt so bad that I laid in a ball crying to God, "Why did you do this to me? Why do I have to hurt?"  And now, I know why.  I have a hard skull, and it seemed he had to show me where the real pain, poisen and disease was, and the only way was for him to hurt me physically.
Gosh, I can't take a heavenly hint, can I?

But I know now, and I cry to him again, "Thank you, Thank you for hurting me, because I know now".
I just wish I had realized sooner, it would have spared me a lot of boring nights because I 'can't' go run on Thursday nights with the rest of my loved ones. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, also are my ways higher than your way and my thoughts than your thoughts.     -Isaiah 55:8-8 

 And so, I conclude this post. It is officially the first post I have shed real tears over. Yes, I have cried while typing this up. 

 Being broken and realizing how wrong you were tends to do that to you. 

 I realize I need to be doing NaNoWriMo, but this is a break day for me, since I had some research pop up that I needed to do for my novel.    All the text on the pictures is from the song 'Beauty From Pain' by Superchick, and while I edited the text on, the photos aren't mine.  If you took one of these and have proof, I'll be glad to give the proper homage, blah blah blah. 
 My siblings want me to go watch The Lorax with them, so off I go, but, I meant what I said.  I'm not about to start any 5K or the Iron Man run (I'm almost certian THAT isn't in my future), but I plan to heal my heart, and see if my Body can do the rest.  I think, once I stop pumping poison into it, I'll discover that it will be able to heal itself much better. 

1 comment:

  1. Great post ashley!!! You can do it!!! I know you can!!!! I will be here if you need me, you know my email; I will be there! Your aren't alone.


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